I think that all people need a passion. Passion drives us onward, causing us to pursue that which we find the most beautiful. It is passion that guides us, that allows us to choose which struggles we need to overcome. Without passion, the world is just a meaningless mess of obstacles and walls, the entirety of life becoming a mere exercise in futility.
Finding my passion has thus far been my greatest struggle in life, but perhaps the most necessary one. I believe that once I have found my passion, all of my wonderful raw potential can be tempered and sharpened into a blade, a sword to cut a path to greatness. But I have not yet found the fire of my passion; the forge remains cold, the steel, a mere hunk of metal.
What exactly am I? What is Steven Balasta? I feel so spread thin, like too little butter on far too much toast. Most people have the luxury of being confined to a single lobe, of being left brained or right brained. Whether or not you believe that such boundaries in the brain exist, one cannot argue with the fact that most people find themselves proficient in either the arts or the sciences, but rarely in both. I find that being restricted in such a manner is a boon that allows people to find their passions more easily. I, on the other hand, feel the burden of too much freedom. I feel that I have the artist’s vision and the scientist’s mind, but lack the talents afforded by having one and not the other.
Everything in my life is a god damn dichotomy. I can very easily grasp the concepts of science and mathematics, but I stumble over numbers and get lost in the execution and application of those very concepts. I can find wonderful aesthetic experiences in life and see the beauty of art, yet I have not the talent nor creative ability to convey that beauty and experience. You can even see the dichotomy in my writing: half of what makes it good is its color and style, the other half is its reason and clarity. Yet my writing can never become truly great in either of these aspects. I’m just stuck in the middle and going nowhere at all.
I am of the belief that passion is not something you look for, but something you find. And while I would love to sit around and wait for that moment of sublime realization to kindle a flame in my soul, I’ve got quite a lot coming my way very soon. The student loan bills are going to arrive. The jobs are going to be filled by the younger and the more competitive. My parents are going to begin to see me as a liability. The end of my college life comes swiftly and relentlessly, and I have yet to lay the tracks towards my future unknown. I’m watching all the doors close on me while I struggle to undo this last, stubborn knot. There’s a nervous sweat that I can’t shake, a feeling that misfortune is on its way, and in the wake of its passing I’m going to find myself in a hole too tight and too narrow to escape from.
I am really not a man of this era.